Children of Divorce – Andy Root

The Center for Youth Ministry Training invited Dr. Andy Root to teach an elective to our students on the Children of Divorce last week. What an important topic for youth ministers to explore so that the church can better respond to this important issue in our society that greatly affects young people and families.  I personally was overwhelmed by what we learned and I wanted to share a little in hopes that you will choose to learn more yourself.
On a personal note, my dad divorced his first wife and I have a half brother and sister that never lived with me growing up, but are an important part of my life.  I came away with several questions for my half brother and sister based on what I’ve learned.
Dr. Root argues that divorce is a ontological issue for children.  Ontology is the study of “being.”  Dr. Root ties it very closely to identify.  How do kids know who they are?  He raises the question of how does a child understand who they are apart from the relationship that created them.  “I am because they are.” If their marriage no longer exists, where do I find my identity.
He, rightful I believe, describes the challenges that children of divorce are left to know live in the in between trying to find their identity in two locations where they often “ontologically” feel like strangers.  They have to learn how to act and be at mom’s and how to act act and be at dad’s.  Their identity has been split and they no longer have a safe place to “know” or “learn” who they are.
One of our students resonated with this argument as he stated, “I was two different people as he went to two different houses.”
Root believes that helping children of divorce is much more than telling kids “that its not their fault.”  Nor can it be simplified down to creating space for parents to be happy and therefore the kids will be happier too.  Root stands against the idea of the “good divorce.”  The “good divorce” being a divorce where if you simply do it “nicely,” then your kids will be alright.  Please understand that Root is 1000% behind the fact abusive relationships exist and their are very good reasons for divorce.  Root does not attempt to simplify  or box in someone’s experience.  Instead, he seeks to bring light the significant issues of “being” and “identity” that are products of divorce and seeks to employ the church to respond.
“What children of divorce need more than anything if this family or community of being has fallen apart is a new community of being,” said Root.
Another student commented on his own experience, “Friends told me how much greater Christmas would be with twice as many presents, but what I wanted was the present of my parents getting back together.”
It’s not like they died.  But if they did we would know how to feel and respond.  Don’t know how to respond.
If it wasn’t for me, they would never see each other again
The they that brought you into the world no longer exists
Can’t miss what you don’t remember
Huge percentage of children of divorce don’t attend church – but are more spiritual
Trading one family for two families.  The challenge of married couples and learning to navigate in-laws and having two families.
Kids need “one world to live in.”